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  In loving memory of Buddy and Margaret Friedman

  PART 1

  2011: SOMETHING I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER

  1

  “Do you understand everything I’ve just told you?” asked the man in the white coat.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  In fact, I had no idea what he’d been talking about. I remembered the droning of his voice, but not the words. I hadn’t been listening, and my hearing hasn’t been so good recently. Or maybe I had been listening, but somehow, what he said hadn’t stuck. My mind had been wandering, but what had I been thinking about? I couldn’t remember. Also, I couldn’t remember who the man in the white coat was, where I was, or what I was doing there.

  I looked up at the man, scrutinized his face. Clearly, he was a doctor; who else wears a white coat? He wasn’t our regular doctor, though. Had our regular doctor died or retired? No. Probably not. I think I’d have remembered that. This doctor was maybe in his forties, and he had a dress shirt and a tie on underneath the coat, not those pajamas some of them wear, so this probably wasn’t an emergency or a surgical kind of situation.

  I was sitting in a leather chair. My wife, Rose, was sitting in an identical chair next to me. Between the chairs was a small wooden side table with a crystal vase of fresh-cut flowers sitting on it, where an ashtray should have been in any civilized place. I looked around for an ashtray. There were no ashtrays. I reached into the pocket of my Members Only jacket and found my cigarettes. I lit one. If the doctor told me to put it out, I could act indignant about it, and maybe nobody would realize I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

  We didn’t seem to be in a hospital; the offices in those places usually seemed more institutional—cheap mass-produced furniture, tile floors, or occasionally thin wall-to-wall carpet. Flickering fluorescent tube lights embedded in low, drop-in ceilings.

  This doctor was sitting behind a heavy wood desk, with a fancy-looking computer on it. Shelves lined the walls of the office, filled with books and little trophies and toys. I looked at the floor. Woven rug over hardwood parquet. The rug looked expensive. I was going to ash on that expensive rug unless this doctor offered me an ashtray.

  He looked at my cigarette. I looked him in the eyes, daring him to tell me to put it out. He offered me his coffee mug, and I tapped my cigarette against the side of it.

  So, this was definitely not the hospital. They’d never let me smoke in a hospital. And also, there was no piss smell. We must have been at one of the medical parks or a clinic of some kind. The doctor was one of the specialists.

  I looked at Rose. She seemed upset. Embarrassed, maybe. Had I said something that had embarrassed her? I almost certainly had. I grinned at her so she could see I wasn’t sorry.

  “If you have any questions, I am happy to answer them, or explain further,” said the doctor. “I want to make sure you have all the information you need.”

  “Take it easy,” I said. “I ain’t stupid.”

  What could he possibly have been saying that was so important? What could he have to say that was new, or any different from what a procession of doctors had been telling me for the last fifteen years? That I was on a slow, steady decline, breaking down and wearing out, little by little? That every day, for the rest of my life, I would be a little weaker, a little slower, a little more shaky than I’d been the day before? That I was moving inexorably toward a single, predictable destination? No shit, Sherlock.

  “You don’t have any questions?” Rose said.

  “I think I’ve got a handle on things,” I said. “Are you ready to get out of here?” I gripped the armrests of the chair I was sitting in and lifted myself off of the seat, my arms shaking under my weight. My walker was parked by the door, and it was going to take me a while to totter over to it, so I figured I might as well get started.

  But Rose put a hand on my arm. “Did you hear what this man has been saying? Do you remember what this man just told us?”

  “Sure,” I said. But it was clear I was caught. I couldn’t really put one over on her. After nearly seventy years together, she had seen all my tricks.

  “Who is he?” she said, gesturing at the doctor.

  Okay, that was an easy one: “He’s the doctor.”

  “Which doctor?”

  I had two options. Either I could give in and tell her I had no idea who he was, or I could bluff. I hate admitting when I don’t know something, so I decided to guess.

  There were a number of possibilities. I had a cardiologist, a heart guy. He was older than this doctor, though, a bald man in his early sixties. I could even remember his name: Dr. Richard Pudlow. Funny name for a depressing cat. This man wasn’t Dr. Richard Pudlow.

  I had an ear, nose, and throat guy, and also an audiologist. I got a hearing aid last year, and going around with that thing jammed in my ear canal caused a lot of earwax buildup, so I had to go get that taken care of every few months. The audiologist would stick a little loop of wire down into my ear and dislodge a reddish-brown hunk of greasy foulness about the size of a pencil eraser. Going there was a real fun time. Lots of jokes about mining for treasure. But the audiologist was a lady doctor, and I was pretty sure this guy wasn’t the ENT.

  I had a gastroenterologist. I had an episode a while back where I started shitting blood. The gastro guy determined it was a sloughing of necrotic intestinal tissue and that it was normal, although they still put me on IV fluids and kept me for observation for three days on account of my advanced age and generally frail condition. When you get to be eighty-nine years old, occasionally your guts just die inside you. It’s no big deal.

  This doctor could have been the gastroenterologist; I couldn’t remember what the man had looked like. But I remembered the smell; his office was in the hospital. So this wasn’t the gastroenterologist.

  That meant, by process of elimination, he had to be: “The neurologist. The dementia guy.”

  I looked at Rose to see if I had gotten the right answer, but she shook her head at me, and I could see tears in her eyes.

  “This is Dr. Feingold. The oncologist,” she said.

  That rang a bell. A distant, quiet bell, but still a bell. I looked around again. This place wasn’t as unfamiliar as I’d thought. I had been here before. Sat in this chair. Listened to the doctor talking at us. Lit a cigarette to be confrontational. Ashed in the coffee cup. I’d done it all before.

  How could I forget? I used to be able to memorize a face, but lately the details that used to stand out in my mind seemed to blend together. Now I was sure I could recall having seen this man. It had just gotten so hard to keep a grasp on things.

  “I’ve got the cancer?” I asked.

  She shook her head again. “No, Buck,” she said. “I do.”

  2

  “I can explain it again, if you’d like,” said Dr. Feingold.

  “What’s the point of that?” Rose asked. “It’s not
sinking in. Can’t penetrate that thick skull of his.”

  I took another drag off my cigarette and tapped ash into the coffee cup. Before I started having the hearing issue and the memory problems, before I needed the walker to get around, nobody ever talked about me like I wasn’t there when I was sitting in the room with them.

  “Well, you don’t need to make a decision immediately, but if we’re going to engage in an aggressive course of treatment, sooner is always better,” Feingold said.

  “I never imagined I’d have to make a decision like this on my own,” Rose said. “I try not to resent him. I know it’s an illness, and he can’t help it. And he was so strong for all of us for many years, and now I ought to be strong for him. But I need him, and he’s just helpless. I feel like I am alone. Betrayed, is how I feel.”

  Feingold rested his elbows on his desk and leaned forward. His forehead crinkled, and his eyebrows knit together. He looked thoughtful and sympathetic. I wondered how many times he’d practiced doing this in front of a mirror. “Maybe now would be a good time to look for support somewhere else. Do you have children?”

  “Brian is dead,” I said, wanting to participate in the conversation. “We don’t talk about it.”

  “We have a daughter-in-law and a grandson,” Rose said. “I haven’t told them about this yet. I don’t want them to worry.”

  The doctor steepled his fingers under his chin. “If you trust them, now might be the time to lean on them. You need to think about authorizing someone to make medical decisions on your behalf in an emergency, if your husband isn’t going to be able to understand those decisions or their implications. It’s called granting a medical power of attorney, and it’s a standard form. I can refer you to someone, if you’d like.”

  “Our grandson is a lawyer,” Rose said.

  “All right,” said the doctor. “You can take some time to confer with whoever you need to and make a decision, but if we’re going to move forward with proactive treatment, we should probably start within the next few weeks.”

  “Thank you,” Rose said, and she stood up. I stood up as well, and I held Rose’s arm to steady myself until I could get to the walker. We made our way, slowly and in silence, down a quiet, carpeted hallway, out a door, and into a waiting room. A very thin woman with a schmate covering her head was sitting in a chair reading a magazine. She looked up at us, her sunken yellow eyes staring out from the bottoms of deep purple-black hollows. I realized I was still holding a lit cigarette. I considered putting it out, but once you start making accommodations for even one cancer lady, you find yourself on a slippery slope. I decided, instead, to just get out of there as quickly as I could. With the walker, that wasn’t very quick.

  As Rose and I rode the elevator down to the ground floor, I felt I should say something, but I didn’t know what. We walked in silence through the building lobby and out to the parking lot.

  “Where did we park?” I asked. But Rose just pointed as our Buick pulled up to the curb. An aide from Valhalla Estates, the assisted-lifestyle community for older adults where Rose and I lived, was driving it. She was a heavyset black woman, and I knew I’d seen her a hundred times before, but I couldn’t remember her name. She had some music playing on the radio, so loud I had to turn down my hearing aid. There were some trashy magazines with names like Us Weekly scattered on the front passenger-side seat; I guess she’d been out here waiting for us, and I didn’t blame her at all for staying in the car instead of sitting in the waiting room and sharing space with the grim specter of death. Although, if she wanted to avoid sharing space with the grim specter of death, she certainly picked the wrong line of work when she applied for a position at Valhalla.

  She shifted the Buick into park, climbed out, and opened the door for Rose. Then she held my arm as I climbed into the backseat. This was a laborious process. First I grasped the doorframe with my left hand as I clung to the walker with my right. Then I had to lift my quivering left leg an agonizing fourteen inches to step into the car. Leaning on the aide’s thick, soft arm for support, I slowly lowered my body onto the seat, and then I used my arms to help lift my right leg over the lip of the Buick’s chassis. When I was finished, my forehead was damp and my breathing was ragged. Of all the indignities I faced on a regular basis—people talking about me like I wasn’t there, the walker, people yelling at me so I could hear what they were saying—having to ride in the back of my own car was the worst.

  “You need help with your seat belt, Mr. Buck?” she asked. I waved her off, so she closed the door behind me, folded up my walker, and put it in the trunk.

  Rose seemed like she was about to say something, but then her handbag started chirping. She found the cellular telephone and flipped it open.

  “Hello?” she said, and then she paused while the person on the other end spoke.

  “This is Mrs. Schatz, his wife,” she said. Then the person on the other end said something else, before Rose responded, “I don’t think he’d be up for that. He’s almost ninety years old, and he has dementia.”

  “Who is it?” I asked. Rose shook her hand in my face to shut me up.

  “No, thank you,” she said to the person on the line.

  “I want to talk to him,” I said. Actually, I yelled it. Rose hesitated, but there was no way the person on the other end of the call hadn’t heard me. She gave me a dirty look, as well as the phone.

  “This is Buck Schatz,” I said into the receiver. “What do you want?”

  “Mr. Schatz, my name is Carlos Watkins.” The voice was thin and reedy, but cultured. Carlos Watkins sounded like the talking heads on TV, but not the right-thinking, plainspoken ones I liked. He sounded like the liberals on MSNBC. Come to think of it, he sounded a little like my grandson.

  I made a noise into the phone, a deep, phlegmy rattle that let Carlos Watkins know I was unimpressed by his diction. “Sounds like an ethnic name,” I said.

  That caught him by surprise, I think. He stopped talking to process that. Then: “Uh, yeah, I guess it is. My mother is Dominican. I’m black. Is that a problem for you?”

  I laughed. “Son, if that was a problem for me, I’d have to be a damn fool to have spent the last ninety years living in Memphis. Is it a problem for you?”

  “I think it’s at the root of almost every problem in this country,” Watkins said.

  I rattled again. “We’re just going to have to agree to disagree on that,” I said.

  On the other end, I heard the sound of Watkins shuffling some papers, and then he said, “Detective Schatz, I’m the producer of American Justice, a serialized journalistic project made in collaboration with National Public Radio and broadcast over the air and on streaming Internet audio.”

  “Well, I ain’t giving you any money,” I said. “I’ve got all the coffee mugs and tote bags I will ever need.”

  The aide—I wished I could remember her name—had climbed into the front seat and was pulling the car out of the clinic’s parking lot and onto Humphreys Boulevard.

  “I’m not calling to solicit donations,” said Watkins. “I was wondering if you would be willing to sit for an interview with me.”

  “Right now?” I asked. “I’ve got a lot of stuff going on, at the moment.”

  “No, not right now. Cell phone audio is less than ideal for recording, and I’d like to meet you face-to-face. I’ll be in Memphis later this week, and I am happy to come visit you at your place of residence.”

  “What do you want to talk to me about?” I asked.

  “American Justice is a show about criminal justice in the United States, the people who operate it, and the people it operates on, with a focus on the intersections of race, class, sexuality, and gender, and how those factors interact with the systems that disseminate state-sanctioned violence against individuals and groups whose lives and activities are deemed to be illegal by those who hold power.”

  “That sounds like fun,” I said. “I once took a road trip to the Grand Canyon and stood at the inte
rsection of Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. Four states at once. It was really something.”

  “So, almost the same thing,” Watkins said.

  “I’ve been retired for forty years. I don’t operate any systems anymore. What do you want with me?”

  “I’d like to talk to you about Chester March,” said Watkins.

  So, this reporter was looking for a whole lot of trouble. “I haven’t heard that name in a long time. Is he still alive?”

  “Yes, for the moment. But the state of Tennessee is planning to put him to death within the next few weeks, if his lawyers aren’t able to get a court to stay the execution.”

  “Good,” I said. “The sooner, the better.”

  “He’ll be the oldest person executed in the United States since the death penalty was reinstated in 1976.”

  “He must be very proud.”

  “He is a frightened, feeble old man who is about to be killed with a lethal injection.”

  “I’d be pleased to hear he’s frightened, but I don’t think he’s capable of feeling fear or any other emotion. Chester is a reptile.”

  “Our program will include our extensive interviews with him, so our listeners will be able to judge that for themselves, but you are a big part of his story, so we’d like to hear from you and get your side of things.”

  “You’ve talked to him already?”

  “I have, and I intend to talk to him some more as my work progresses. Do you have a problem with that, Detective Schatz?”

  “You can talk to whoever you want. Just be careful. That fellow is a damned snake, and he lies as easy as he draws breath. It ain’t easy to get a true word out of a man like Chester.”

  “How would you accomplish such a feat?”

  “Come again?”

  This time his voice came through loud and slow as he carefully enunciated each word: “How would you extract the truth from a man like Chester?”